Friday, June 5, 2009
family portraits.
this is for Jessica.
i loved her post on family portraits and wanted to share mine.
left to right: my father and his cat Prince (who went into the road and was struck by a car the week after my dad died); Sam's grandmother, and the grandfather he never met; me and my dog Mia, kissing on the beach; my best friend Melissa from when we were seventeen mucking around at Wal-mart having an impromptu photoshoot. some people will say it's narcissistic to have portraits of yourself in your bedroom but i've never thought that. i keep myself there because it was such a spontaneous and special moment i wanted to remember it. when me and Mia were young and happy on the beach together and she wanted to kiss me (which she practically never ever does. some people probably think that's sick anyway..) and also, Sam took it.
i think a still photograph (or moving image all the better) is the closest you can come to a memory outside of your mind, so you keep them close like people whose faces you don't want to forget.
i keep Sam's nanny there because she was my friend and i want to remember her young and jaunty, like in this photograph, like if she walked she would walk with a swagger. very Katherine Hepburn. when i met her she was in her 80's and didn't swagger, but she had good bones and and good posture and still had a great deal of the spunk of the girl you see here. i met her before i met Sam. i think this photo is when Sam's grampa was going to war. he came back too, but he'd been starved in a PoW camp and was never the same. his nickname in the camp was Bones from Taranaki. someone sketched him. he looks like this but the lollipop version, in the sketch his head's way too big for his shrunken stripy pyjama clad body. he died long before i met Sam's nanny.
anyway, Nanny would sneak over from where she lived next door with Sam's aunt, her daughter, Rose. she would sneak round to Sam's cousin Leah's house and Leah would roll her a cigarette. she wasn't allowed to smoke because of her heart. she would have half of her cigarette over a cup of tea with us and she would save half and smoke it later in the bamboo where she thought Rose didn't see her. i was calling her Nanny before i even knew i would be with her grandson...
she was very embarrassed when she started losing her memory. she'd left the bath running and running, and cooked the plastic kettle on the stove. she would talk in a very apologetic but humorously matter of fact way about it to us. and i'd tell her i was only twenty and couldn't keep track of which day of the week it was but she knew i placating her. we all knew it was more serious than that. it progressed very quickly. they had to put her in a home. it was too much for anyone. in the home she deteriorated even more rapidly and none of us liked visiting her. she would sit unconscious in a chair and let out these strangled screams. they at the home said she didn't know she was doing it, that it was involuntary. once when we were visiting though, she stopped screaming, opened her watery blue eyes, looked right at me and said, 'who's this beautiful girl?'
i remember that as clearly as a photograph.
she loved me, we had such brilliant talks. i loved her.
memory is so fallible but photographs are not.
maybe the reason for photographs is people inconveniently change when we don't want them to, so we freeze them for our own preservation?
god bless all the frozen people in the family portraits we keep.
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That is exactly what we do. God Kina, that was so beautifully written. I loved hearing about Sam's nanny and your relationship with her. To display her image as a young woman pays tribute to her as a person, an individual, her youth -- all that stuff too often gets forgotten when people step up to the role of the "grandparent". Family portraits break my heart. They are everything we soar for, they are the moments we wish to keep, the representation of our lives we wish to reiterate to ourselves and the outside world. They reveal so much about our hopes, ambitions, values and dreams. About how we position ourselves in relation to others... they tend to trace the great narratives of our lives that lean to joy and remembrance. Loss and grief go mostly unrecorded. And god, the stories that accompany family photos! Like yours... I'm having a wine with the night air on my back and there's a kitten asleep at my feet. I too am a tadpole lover... xxx
ReplyDeleteWish we could have a cigarette together right now :)
ReplyDeletesame! i like having ciggies with you! bloody ciggies.. and thank you. technically this photo isn't even mine to keep, but i was responsible for sam getting it, so might make a copy of it sometime.. i think it's one of the best informal portraits ever.
ReplyDeletei myself don't have many family photographs..
however, that said, for my birthday, an aunt sent me four slides she had developed. so i think i might put them up as an addendum on the subject (fat baby kina!!!)
and WHERE is fat baby jessica?? i bet the laws of irony didn't even allow you to be a fat baby... bet even baby jessica was slim and gorgeous. grrrmmmmbb.
oh and jess? thank you for saying that was beautifully written. i think i tend to ramble, endlessly. so i'm really ferocious now, and cut out half of my silly words...
:)
i am a GREAT admirer of your writing.
sometimes you remind me of truman capote, other times, just you i think!
i'm going to post something about tadpoles which probably won't have much to do with tadpoles knowing me (as i don't...;)
Rocky!!!
Wine!!
Balmy night air!!
i just couldn't get the fire going last night so i froze and the firebox occasionally belched smoke into the lounge. cats still doggedly cuddled in front of it tho... sometimes they just stare at it, until i light it..
they just sit there, staring at it, and waiting...
but that's kinda what i spend my life doing too; with the sun.
lol.
xk