i am lucky to have such a lovely room in which to write. my mind lets me down. sometimes i just sit and watch the cats sleep and wait for the sun to come, and drink endless coffees and smoke. if i was being totally honest, sometimes i just sit and wonder if it's yet an appropriate time of the day to drink beer. yesterday i looked a photograph of me in my first year of school and thought about how a person can go from that, to this, and how gradually it happens, and how hard it is to go back to being a person who could be happy without cigarettes, and coffee, and beer; someone who could wake up in the morning and brush their teeth, and shower, and be glad to begin another day. i obviously wanted this life because i chose it for myself. i light my tibetan incense for happiness and no anxiety, and bite my nails off and watch the clock. i sat outside for a few moments and watched the birds flying, buffeted by the wind...
it was hailing and sunny. strange times.
today is always hard. i tell myself tomorrow things will be easier.
i eat a cold chicken sausage, some slices of apple and a one-a-day multi-vitamin pill. this is lunch.
it is two minutes past two pm. it is now an acceptable time of the day to have a beer, but i will finish my coffee first.
